My journey

I will tell my story and how I went thru of all this with God but my side.

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Strep is not playing this year

So glad I am getting better , it took a few days to do this , I have been so tired so I am resting as much as I can now.

We had a funny thing happen last night eating supper my dad made his presence to me and my husband well we were shocked to say the least lol. But I had a dream and dad was telling me it was to let us know he is still around us made me smile big. I miss him so much. Makes me sad a lot.

So now trying to get back to me , the last hormone blocker did a number on me it made my joints and bones hurt so bad I could hardly walk but my body is getting better now so thankful for that.

My knee had so much fluid on it that I couldn’t hardly stand on it or walk with it , it is now going down.

So this is a life of a hormone positive cancer survivor which is not all it seems lol.

When I have dreams about a loved one I feel it is God communicating with me and it I feel is a gift from him to me , I try to use it as he would have me to and I hope I do it the way he wants too.

Well I am off to bed y’all. Just enjoy your loved ones and know life is to short. So go show love to all you can.

My love to all of y’all is sent. Till next time.

No immune system

Gosh all of us that are sick have no immune system , if anyone is sick and they breath my way I am going to get it ugh.

So went to doctor she thought I had a sinus infection which I have tons of these with the cancer I had so she went ahead and did a swab to make sure no strep, well came back and positive for strep, wow I had only like swollen lymph nodes in neck and it hurt to turn my head , needless to say doctor was shocked too , so antibiotics and rest. Which rest is good but I have my grandboy and I am wanting time with him, doesn’t it aggravate you when you can’t do like you use to ? I cry a lot over that and miss the days when I could just do whatever makes me sad.

My life has changed so much since all of this started so thankful I have a devoted husband that helps me and stands by me, he is who God picked for me , and angel in disguise.

I am so thankful for his family , his sister is a great support for me and her family love them dearly. Also he has some pretty awesome aunts that pick me up when I am down.

I have felt so out of whack these past couple of days tho I guess with the illness I got going On. I asked my husband did I have cancer again and was I dying cause as y’all know any weird thing that happens in your life that is different makes you wonder is it that horrid cancer again.

Sometimes it is hard to endure all I do and the ones that are around me most , my family is good to me but I feel so left out by them and I know it is cause they live off but I feel so forgotten since my dad passed he called me every day and checked on me I don’t think people realize when I am gone I am gone can’t take back that you wanted to spend time with me no more. It is really sad when you go thru what we been thru you don’t take things for granted.

My mom has been thru so much since my first cancer then my dads we had to go in it together and it took a toll on her then I got cancer again this year which really took all she had to hear it just like me, I screamed I can’t do this again, but I had to have a little talk with God and ask him to please help me get thru what is ahead for me , he always stands with me and gets me thru even tho it is tough he holds my hand and lifts me up always.

God isn’t ready for me to go yet or I would have been gone , I feel I have more work to do for him, I need to see my son and grandbaby grow up for one and touch peoples lives let them know God is real and he does exist , if he didn’t I wouldn’t be here to tell my story.

Just remember y’all love the ones you got and make them know you do.

Just show some love y’all and be blessed.

Till next time my love to all of y’all.

Do you feel unwanted ??

Do you sometimes feel that since your illness nobody wants to be around you or that you have been forgotten well I do a lot but I know it’s me.

Even tho my family loves me they have lives to but it still hurts when they could have lost me on three occasions, is it cause I feel sorry for myself or is it cause when you go thru what I have been thru you would think that people would care to be around you before they lose you , but today in this world unless you are dying or near death some don’t have time for you or make time for you.

But we that are sick do get that cause we know to cherish all the time you have with loved ones before they are gone.

Cancer makes you think and it isn’t easy trying to sort thru all your feelings with it. My dad before he passed told me there will be people that regret not spending time with the ones that die, and he is right I spent all the time I could with him before he left this earth. But until you have a situation like we cancer people have been thru you don’t get it.

Be nice to people , love people and also know they need you to be around them before it’s to late.

I just wonder who will regret it when I am gone? Did you spend enough time with me before I was on my death bed? So people wake up !!!! To your loved ones that want you to be around them cause tomorrow isn’t promised.

I go for my check up this next week I hope all is good. I have now read eating asparagus is a good thing for cancer. Will I try it? Well I love it so may have to try it out lol. I just pray I don’t see the cancer anymore I really am tired of fighting it and putting that joker in its place lol cause I think it knows this girl don’t play !!!!!

Well I am hoping everyone reading this is having a great one and a blessed one.

I try my best to stay positive and not down but as you all know that go thru this days like that happen so we pick up and push forward. But I am very blessed God is taking care of me and mine. Thanking him isn’t enough but he knows I love him with all I got.

Ok well talk to y’all soon. Much love to you all and continue the fight if you are fighting.

Long time no blog lol

I haven’t felt all that great my hormone blocker was taking me down to where I could barely walk so dr has took me off of it cause on top of all my long list of problems a rash breaks out ugh. Life of a survivor sucks sometimes but hey at least we do have our lives tho. I am thankful and blessed.

I have now thought of new things to do I mean there are a 100 on internet try this for cancer take this. I mean really which one do you chose and know if it even works. Well a pill I am going to ask about to my dr that is suppose to be all natural but we will see what he says about it too. Oh and lemons you freeze them and then grate them into your drinks and food so may try that too lol.

I read a letter of a warrior that lost her battle and wow she was on point and how we all feel when we hear that dreaded diagnosis of cancer.

I felt when I heard it that I had two choices life or death. Well first I went ahead and got death out of the way and went thru the whole well if that is my time then God will take me on and if not hey I am fighting with all I have and God leading my way.

People don’t realize that we all aren’t promised we will wake up next day but to cherish the time we have , be kind to others and help people , make your life count and make others smile , it isn’t that hard to be a nice person but people seem to forget that when they haven’t been thru cancer or a life threatening disease. You will think of how you need to change. I would say God is getting rid of the bad for me to get the food back lol and heck I have got a lot taken from try losing your hair twice and something u have had since birth also part of my mind and body will never be the same again. Yep I am whining but I have a right to so be it lol.

Just remember that whatever you go thru there are others going thru way worse. Thank your lucky stars you have what you do. Ask your self are you happy how you did that to that person ? Are you ok with how you don’t spend time with your loved ones? There will be a day when you can’t spend it with them it will and can be taken from you without notice and you can’t get it back. Tough questions I know but they need to be addressed for all of us.

Show love all you can God did it for you.

Ok I know I am rambling lol but hope all of y’all are doing good and I will try to get back on more sorry for the pause on here just had so much going and I haven’t been in a good frame of mind either I try to steer clear of the internet when I am in a bad down mood tho too. Y’all don’t need me bringing y’all down too. So just go out there and show the love. Have a blessed life.

Happy Thanksgiving y’all

Not feeling to great today. My ears are popping and my head has a sharp pain on right side above eye so I know a sinus infection is coming. For some reason I get these quiet regular and I have to get antibiotics cause mine can start one day and next be pneumonia so I have to stay on top of mine.

I have a lot of mixed emotions as I lost my dad 2 years ago now my youngest son is dealing with losing his grandma and she has stomach cancer it has spread all over , I feel for my son cause watching my dad pass left a hole in my heart so I know he has been thru enough with losing my dad and now his grandma on his dads side.

There is so much cancer now makes you wonder what is going on in this world. It is just sad that people are losing their lives from this old crappy disease.

One thing I need to address is I do searches on internet about help when I need it. What I came across and helped me also is that if you can’t afford your medicines go to the company that makes it they sometimes will help you get it. So search these things if I get any other ideas I will let y’all know. Also if you have a certain disease search for help there are places to help u even give loans that don’t have to pay back.

Well everyone have a blessed thanksgiving and show the love.

Each is a blessing

Gosh for some reason I am on an emotional roller coaster. Up and down I go. Happy then sad. I know it is hard for me to go thru what I do but it is also so hard for my loved ones around me. Happiness is hard to attain when there are so many obstacles in your life.

Letting it go and accepting what you have is the only way I know now. So I try and move forward and deal with what is at hand. Went deer hunting yesterday and it was nice to be out of house , and enjoy the outdoors , it was beautiful in the woods too all of nature and animals and sounds made my heart happy. But then when something messes up your good day it hurts you , cause I don’t have very many good days.

Sometimes I want to scream I can’t work at the Pace I am use to and I can’t go and do like I use too it is very frustrating for me but I keep pushing myself to do it. And some days I think I take care of so many things and people that I don’t have time for me. Why? Cause I have always been the one who did it. Never asked for help until now. But as I go I know that God has me here for a purpose and I will soon figure out what that is.

Well I wanted to jump on here been a few days to tell y’all I am still kicking lol. Ok I will return have a blessed day. Show the love y’all.

Thankful for all that protect us

Today was good got to spend it with my nephew who is in military and his soon to be wife. Got to spend some great time with my grand baby he is a pure joy and makes me laugh so much.

I feel we as people we try to do as God wants us to when we walk the Christian life but some times we stray. I just there was peace for all and love for one another but this sad world is so bad now.

As my dad told me I am only one person and I can’t change everyone. And he was right. But love and do your part. So I will do that.

I am ready to go deer hunting I want a big one lol I hope I can soon I love going with my husband but it does talk a lot cause I can’t be quiet lol.

Well everyone have a blessed one. Show the love.

Where did it go?

So do you ever just sit back and wonder those of us that had chemo, where did our strength go, did chemo take that as it took my hair and nails , and of course my short term memory well it’s gone lol you can tell me and then 5 minutes it is gone from me.

I feel cancer took a lot from me but God isn’t letting it take me as of now so I should enjoy what I can. Life is what we make it and also I have always told everyone this some people have it worse than us. So be thankful and love your blessings cause who knows how long we are here to enjoy life.

Today I got to see my grand boy he is my little angel in his nannas eyes , love that baby so much. He brings joy and smiles to me seeing him and his momma come down makes my heart so happy. I love seeing my family and my nephew is in also and I have missed him tons.

I think after you go thru battles you realize what is really important in your life. I said God was shucking off what was bad so I could start a new one lol and of course I did.

One thing that o have never lost is my faith in God, I knew he had me no matter what the out come. See when you have cancer I think we all go thru we will live or die and we accept it that is normal for us.

Not saying we want to but that is what hand we were dealt so we see there are only two choices , I tried to stay so positive and of course I had my bad days but with me talking and praying to God I made it thru. I still have struggles but I am alive and a warrior Armor , have scars to prove that one lol.

The holidays are coming and I think this year will be ok and not sad since dad is gone , which last years were tough but we all are going to make new memories. One thing that sticks in my mind is when he passed I asked why did I get left behind? I felt so alone , like part of my heart was gone, I didn’t blame myself but felt he wasn’t suppose to leave me I had more to fight and I needed him. That was something I had to work on within myself tho. But I know that I am strong and with God by me I can do whatever God needs me too.

So I am doing good just still dealing with joint and bone pain from hormone blocker but I have stopped it for a couple of days to rest my body cause I got a new one they switched me and I am glad. So hope this one does better. Well I hope y’all have a blessed day and remember show the love somebody else may need you to. Thank y’all for reading.

My journey part 3

Well as me and my dad kept getting chemo I finally had took my 25th one and Dr A told me they would prepare me for a stem cell transplant , this part really scared me , guess cause it is the unknown , not knowing how it will be. So we were all at my sisters since she lives in dallas, well me and Mom were not doing much but I heard dad holler he was in bathroom, he had fell to floor , wait a minute let me back up , dads body wasn’t doing to good with chemo he was having to get fluids a lot during this time and couldn’t keep nothing down he ate. Well back to bathroom floor he said his difibulater has jolted him so it literally knocks him down so my sisters husband runs to help him up well it jolted dad again so my sister called ambulance.

So I am following ambulance to hospital well dads doctor said his battery was bad in there so they needed to replace it meaning surgery. So they set up surgery on dad and it just happen to be same time I was going in to for stem cell transplant.

So I packed for 3 weeks is how long I had to stay inside a heppa environment pretty neat tho. Oh ya I skipped the collection sorry I forget somethings about all of this journey too. When I went in to get shots for my stem cells to multiply and also I go into a room with a bed and a machine that circulates your blood in your body within 20 minutes and I mean every bit of it. So I had to take tums to eat during this cause as the stem cells collect you lose calcium and your body does some shaking kinda like one of them workout machine with a band that jiggles your fat lol that is what it felt like. But after I get done collecting we have to make sure I collected enough and don’t have to come back next day and I did thank goodness cause they told me next day is real hard you get sick then. So I thank God for that one. So as we go to my sisters as I go take a bath I sit there and cry thinking who are these people downstairs , it is my mom and dad but I felt like an outer body experience like I didn’t know them kinda like I was an alien. Well after I ate and all and got some rest next day I was better. Ok so onward with my stem cell transplant. So me and Mom have our suitcases and go up to where we are suppose to and there are like double doors and you have to wash your hands and not be sick to get thru them. This place is very protected for all of us in here. So as I get settled in right away they bring in my big chemo mephlan this is the one that takes you down to zero which is where they want me to put my good cells back in. So I am up there cramming ice chips in my mouth , cause this prevents sores and dad is down stairs having surgery. Wow it was not good for us. So I get all chemo over that is when I start spiraling down my white cells it takes a few days or weeks to get there. I did get sick but they controlled it and kept me content. I had some pretty hard times in there.

I remember thinking to God is this how it will all end for me? I asked God some pretty hard things then. I prayed a lot to him and cried and also talked to him all the time. I know one night I felt so bad I laid down in bed and was crying and I asked him to please wrap his arms around me and please hold me. I felt the warmth of a closeness that I have never felt and it made me feel so content and helped me to sleep that night. When you are in a place like I have been you have got to believe there is a God cause he is the only reason I am here today. I know when I look back there were so many signs one was before we were going for some of dads results I figured my checkbook and got all 7s and I had just read in bible that was Gods number and I knew then dad would have good news and he did that next day , I felt like God was telling me not to worry he had it.

I know some days I just stared out the window and didn’t say nothing some days but you feel so not yourself. So it was time for my new and improved stem cells and I had a chaplain come in and bless my cells and pray with us before , lord we all cried during that so I was ready to put them back in my body and pray for this to work.

So they did and well I did get sick right after they were put back in but I got medicine for all that. Then it was an uphill battle to get better. I would check my pillow everyday for my hair to fall out I think it took the second week and I got a handful and told Mom I want it shaved so my sister came and she shaved it and I cried but it had to go. So by three weeks I was ready to be released from hospital and I had lost 50 lbs after all that. But I was thankful to be alive and on the mend now.

And dad was to he got all his done and was moving up to better health too. I think we were all relieved it was finally looking better for us.

So Dr A said I had to stay in dallas for two weeks then I could go back to Arkansas and boy was I ready I missed my son and my fiancée. And of course all my animals lol.

So finally the time came and we went home I was all smiles and happy I got to go back.

As months went on me and dad still were having check ups to make sure all was good. My numbers and all were doing great well dad had bad news that his had came back , well my parents melted and me and my sister were not there with them so they called us but keep in mind my parents are in their 70s so it was hard to comprehend what was being told to them so we got dads chart and looked over it and me and my sister knew it wasn’t good.

So now dads doctor is saying there is nothing they can do, dads body couldn’t handle chemo anymore so there weren’t any treatments to do. So I am the one that had to tell momma that bad news and it just crushed her heart. Then we had to tell dad so we went outside and told daddy he said I am not worried about me I am worried about y’all. And then he looked at me and said well Tina I don’t have to go back to dallas and laughed. We all were crying but knew dad was tired of fighting. Then my question was why did I make it and he couldn’t make it? My faith was being tested and wondering could I make it thru this , my daddy is my rock and my mentor , I can’t lose him.

So at this moment I sit down and talked to God I asked him if you need my dad well I will be ok but dad and if you can let him stay a little longer I would be real happy but I know it is your will so if he had to go do not let him suffer please.

As soon as we told dad he was having trouble breathing at this point. So my sister called his doctor and they had hospice come out to help dad be comfortable I knew then this is it. Can I be strong enough to let him go? At this time I didn’t think I could , never in my life have I ever felt this kind of hurt in my heart.

So I won’t go into all of dads stuff cause to this day I am not over it I still cry. I mean I wonder why did he go thru so much and then have to go? But that was Gods will not mine. Anyways dad went very quickly he lasted I think 3 days so God did stand by what I asked of him and I am so glad he did.

I did struggle with dads death I had to go see a therapist to talk about it I had to get air of tears an hurt off of me , I had so many questions of why did I get left and he didn’t kinda like I was feeling guilty for being left without dad. But I know this was Gods plan and we have to understand that his plan is what goes.

These days were worse than anything I dealt with was to lose my dad was like a hole left in my heart.

So now after all that we all still to this day deal with missing him. This year in February I went to get check up and my gynecologist found a lump in my left breast and said he thought it was calcium but wanted me to get a biopsy so I did. Well guess what I had breast cancer ugh I wanted scream and punch something I was mad now. I cried and told my mom I can’t do this again I am done. So I had decided not to do chemo but my family asked for me to do it and at least hear them out so of course they talked me into it. So on March of this year I had a double mastectomy and then in March started chemo was suppose to do 4 treatments and then radiation. Well I did two chemos and stopped I got so sick with this one I couldn’t do it , I could see me doing them and dying cause my body went so down I was in shock wondering why it did. Well I still have amyloid deposits in my body from last cancer which isn’t active but it makes it like 10 times worse than on an average person so I opted out on the other two and I decided against radiation too. I have had enough , I was having black out spells , falling out also every time I ended up in ER dehydrated so it was enough for my body and I let it go.

But now I was on a chemo pill and Dr A said may not have to get back on chemo pill since my numbers are all good. I will have to take a chemo pill if numbers go crazy for rest of my life until a cure is found for multiple myeloma. So things are doing better and God has seen me thru all of it. Aww and when all the breast cancer started here is another sign from God I looked in sky and was upset and there were crosses in sky more than one I felt it was God telling me I am here Tina I am not leaving you. I said thank you God.

Ok guys that is my journey there is probably a lot I left out but chemo made me lose some of my memory and still I have bad memory to this day. So I will go for now and keep you up to date also.

The beginning Part 2

For us it was sleeting here in arkansas so the trip was kinda pretty going to Texas. I had time for a lot of thinking for sure.

I got to dallas and couldn’t walk without getting out of breathe so they wheel chaired me inside and got to me right away.

So they put me in a room that day and ran their own test on me to see what was going on actually. They drained the fluid off me and I had 3 liters of fluid on me WOW.

What I liked about this hospital is more than one doctor seen you and they then conferred on what was the best treatment.

Ok this is where I found out my real diagnosis i had cardiac amylodosis and multiple myeloma so now we are getting somewhere , I call it a blood and bone cancer , so this is where God showed me he had a hand in my journey , when the doctor came in to see me he had treated these two cancers and I was elated cause before they acted like they didn’t know what I had or how to treat it so I was thankful God and my sister put me where I needed to be.

So little did I know my family was falling apart on my diagnosis and worried I would die, not me tho I knew God had me he had showed me so many signs and I knew he had me , I thanked him for taking care of me and holding me thru all of this.

Ok so doctor had a plan for me I stayed a few days in hospital then I would get to leave , but first he wanted me to do chemo before I left , ok I never dealt with chemo so when they came in with a jumpsuit and head piece and gloves I was kinda like whoa but I got it and my sister was with me I remember as it went in I could feel tingles all over my body but I was ok there.

Then as we go to my sisters the ugly beast reared it’s head, vomiting and severe dirrehea was taking over my body , I told my mom I don’t think I will make it thru this one , she said oh yes you will , ok not sure on time or when but I had to go to ER a couple of times cause of dehydration so doctor got me on a medicine before I did chemo and for after it fixed me being sick called emend , love that stuff lol.

So from then on I would do chemo I think every week I really can’t remember but I do remember my sister called me one day after it and said where are you , I said in cafeteria lol I was eating a whole plate of food , which I couldn’t for awhile I was so sick .

I remember when I would get my chemo I would feel like I was high on drugs I would say cause when I would come out I would make my momma laugh all the way to my sisters house lol

So one evening we get a call from my cousin that was staying with my dad in arkansas, my mom had eye surgery so she had to keep her head down and I just had chemo day before , well he said my dad was in the hospital he was bleeding when he would have a bowel movement meaning lots of blood , so me and Mom ended up and my sister and her husband going to where dad was .

Well I would like to say things didn’t get worse but they did, my dad had cancer , colon cancer, I was floored yet again , then I think what have I done to deserve this God was I a bad person ? And pretty much God let me know that no I wasn’t but everyone goes thru trials and battles. I was just wondering how much we all could take at this point. Even tho I had a bad diagnosis and my dad did too I never lost my faith and it made it stronger for me. So now we take on another journey with my dad also.

Well he gets transferred to dallas where I am going he gets a port put in his chest for his , my dad has a lot of medical problems also , quadruple bypass done and a heart diffibulater also diabetic so he then stacked up against him.

So he gets all set up and me and him do chemo on same days , he is one part of building not far from me and I am on other side , at first they do chemo slow so to see how you handle it , so dads lasted like 2 to 3 hours , so when I was done I would go sit with him and make sure he would eat like I loved orange juice with ice chips and cheese it’s lol so I got dad into them also I wanted to make sure he would try to eat.

There were some pretty fun times with me and him. The first day he got his chemo I said dad now come out and just chill out cause it will make you feel high. Well he freaked out about his phone ringing I was in back seat texting my sister laughing she said tell him welcome to chemo world dad lol

Ok I will continue this part later bye for now y’all.